Wait… I just found out one of my idols in dancing is almost a year younger than me…
We put in so many hours. It’s finally here. My first show. But now the last time I’ll get to do it.
Remember three years ago? Being cut from the single piece I auditioned for, and taking that tiny opportunity to freestyle. 4 bars in 2 shows. Approximately 30 seconds of stage time dancing.
Look how far I am now. 11 pieces in 4 shows. A balanced estimate sounds like 40 minutes total. In my experience, that’s a lot.
And I’m so happy I managed. That I got to choreograph and work with people that I love. This second family that I belong to here. As of right now, this group is the only purpose I have, and so I will continue to be happy.
But it’s hard. It’s hard to be a leader, when there are much better dancers. It’s hard to command attention, when I feel so quiet. It’s hard knowing that I can only dance here for so long, before the societal standards force me to move on.
I’m not perfect. I wish there were times when I was a better dancer. A stronger dancer. I wish I could say that I always wanted to be at the practices. But that’s not true. I had nights where I just wanted to stay in and rest. So I’m sorry.
I’m sorry to the people I let down, the exec board I lead and can’t always guide properly. I’m sorry to the members who need me to be on top of things and know the answers to their questions. I’m still trying. There’s so many of you.
I’ll get around to it eventually. To know everyone. Because I think it helps. Families can be big. I want this family to keep growing. I want it to be here when I come back.
Every once in awhile, I’ll get a little affirmation that I’m doing something right. A few words from a stranger, a letter from a friend. And I just know it, I’m on the right track.
This marks my 3 year anniversary on ReFresH. Only a few shows remain before the end.
And you know it’s all for you
Down were you before
Now you come alive for this
There’s calm inside the storm
If you know just what you’re trying for
See what you could be…"
Where will I be if these four years amount to nothing. Surprising how the topics of discussion throughout my day with all different kinds of people all touched the darkness: the recent suicides, the chance to open up about my academic struggle.
But thank you for meeting with me. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a real adult genuinely concerned about where things were going and actually helping give me some sort of structure again at least for a little while.
"Father, I have sinned against Heaven and against You."
Help me. I will pick up my broken pieces. No more shattering. Don’t succumb to the despair.
Happiness and excitement crumble apart when in the first few moments you realize that you do not hold people’s attention. Without that sense of authority, morale is lost, and one starts to doubt.
There’s no more warmth in encouragement. Fear leads to the belief that all of the words are lies. Despair is slowly tightening its grip, and whatever little lights of hope remained are dimming in the darkness.
There was a split second when I didn’t think it was a joke, and I wonder if something in my eyes gave away my feelings.
Back to waiting.